Monday, October 22, 2007

Stopping a Goliath, part two

Murray the Alchemist: Last time, we tried the brute force approach with Titan. This time, we'll use finesse and maybe get a better explosion. My lovely assistant Tachyon--I know, don't ask about my social life--will use his mastery of time and a pack of gum to wipe out a Goliath.

Titan: I like how eager the volunteers are, but they're crowding the stage. I'll brush 'em back with my gun.

Calamity Kid: That's some gun. You know we don't kill, don't you?

Titan: It's okay. I'm just blowing their mechanical legs off. They can still applaud.

MtA: Okay, Tachyon, your job is to chew this pack of gum in a couple seconds.

Tachyon: That's more Titan's job--he has the super mouth. But I'll do it. Gah! That was bad! I won't be able to open my mouth at all tomorrow.

Titan: Which proves God still does miracles after all.

MtA: Now stick it in one of the smaller barrels of that Goliath.

CK: You've gotta be kidding!

Titan: No, it'll work: the gum doesn't have to stop the ammo, just slow it down enough that the explosive force behind the bullet has nowhere to go for a moment. There! See? Like that.

CK: Okay, but we still don't have suits that let us speed up time.

Tachyon: Talk to your wardrobe people.

CK: The deal was, you guys would show us how to stop Goliaths. So far, it's stuff we can't do.

MtA: What's the "CK" for, "Constant Kvetcher"? Shut up and learn! I guess you can't send a superhero to do an alchemist's job, though, and the last few explosions have been pretty pathetic. I wouldn't mind a gun like Titan's...

Titan: Private property, Murray. It'll go boom if a non-superhero messes with it.

MtA: So it's time for my never-fail method. Here, I'll slip off the robe and put this on...

Goliath: Surrender, Fundi dog!

MtA: Hey, watch who you're calling a Fundi! I'm from the pizza place on the corner--that's right, the one you bozos almost blew up! We'll give you a free pizza to aim at someone else.

Goliath: Your pizzas are that effective as weapons? Oh, no, wait. You mean a bribe, right? Okay, I'm good with that. But remove any pepperoni first! I wasn't born yesterday.

MtA: Your loss--they're the best part. Okay, there. Now say "Aah"!

Goliath: Wait--I didn't want anchov--

[Earth-shattering KABOOM]

MtA: Idiot. Only an amateur would mine the pepperoni. Anchovies are better for that, and since no one eats them anyway, it's no loss.

CK: Why didn't the blast kill you?

Titan: Murray's immune to explosions. And every pesticide we've tried so far.

CK: Okay, but what about the pizza? How'd you get it in there?

MtA: C'mon, you don't think a guy would get into something like that if it shut him off from pizza, do you? There had to be a pizza delivery slot.

CK: It's not in the specs.

MtA: That's the kind of important info you only get by word of mouth. Like a secret handshake.

CK: How can you get a secret handshake by... Hey, wait! The Goliath operator is lying there with his eyes exed out! I told you we don't kill!

Titan: Relax. It's just a cartoony way of saying he's in his happy place. And Darklight says this is gonna be an unhappy place in just a minute, so we'd better leave before the janitors show up. They hate people who leave a mess behind. We can discuss this over lunch.

MtA: I'll bring the pizza!

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cyn said...

Oh, the characters that lurk in the deep dark crevices of your brain Mr. Rice, I am glad you've let some of them come out to play with Murray--but I am afraid Tachyon may begin to develop some habits hanging out with him.

Frank Creed said...

Been busy at the Subaru factory just in time for the blog tour. I ordered Calamity Kid to help out, but he won't come out of his room, and calls Murray things I won't repeat.

Upshot is, he'd hoped for some insighit because I keep running him into Goliaths. He just keeps ranting about that pizza slot. Not wide enough for a donut.

Darn prima-donna.


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