In our previous thrilling episode, Murray the Alchemist, from the Light at the Edge of Darkness story "At the Mountains of Lunacy," and Allen Peters, or Tachyon, from League of Superheroes, were examining the homepage of the Lost Genre Guild when they discovered evidence of hacking by the Chicken Booksellers Association. Allen decided to investigate...
Allen/Tachyon: These Chicken Booksellers are a desperate bunch. Watch out for fowl play.
Murray the Alchemist: Are you sure that wasn't my line? It sounds like--
Mysterious Figure: Don't move! My robots have my Chickenizer aimed at you!
Rod/Titan: We're not chicken! Who are you?
Mysterious Figure: Oh, no--you first. Which one is Bond? No one? Huh. Superman? Scarlet Pimpernel? Mary Poppins?
Rod/Titan: We're the League of Superheroes--yes, plus Murray, thanks for reminding me. I'm Titan, that's Tachyon--
Mysterious Figure: I am called "Guildfinger."
Guildfinger: Yes. I finger guilds our Association doesn't like: point-point-pointy-point! I even poke them a bit. Right now I'm targeting the Lost Genre Guild.
Rod/Titan: That doesn't sound too serious.
Guildfinger: It isn't. Such groups are a lost cause anyway. We at the Chicken Booksellers succeed precisely because people don't really want change: they yell about it, but they vote in the guys who've been messing things up for a couple years already. Sequels are always a safe bet. People won't buy real change: they're too chicken to read Christian spec-fic, and we're too chicken to print it, unless the author's well established.
Rod/Titan: Then why not leave the LGG alone?
Guildfinger: It's the lack of principle of the thing. The sky could fall on our heads from an unexpected quarter or even dime. So we're out to undermine the LGG.
Murray: Even I wouldn't stoop to mining someone's unders! You should be ashamed!
Guildfinger: No, you can be ashamed! Try our Chickenizer, League of Superchickens!
[Sound Effect: At least the second-loudest buckaw you ever heard]
Rod/Titan: We're chickens? Okay, that's just stupid. I knew having Murray along would drag us into his kind of story.
Allen/Tachyon: Very funny, Guildfinger. Do you expect us to squawk?
Guildfinger: No, Tachyon, I expect you to fry!
Murray: That explains the robots with the chef's hats and "Kiss the Cook" aprons.
Allen/Tachyon: But I'm still Tachyon!
[Sound Effect: Several reversed buckaws nearly superimposed on each other, together with the normal one]
Allen/Tachyon: Now the feather's on the other wing, Guildfinger! It doesn't take much compressed time to reverse your ray's effect on us and give you a dose of your own medicine.
Murray: Funny--he doesn't look like a chicken so much as... Well, isn't someone else going to say it? Fine! I'm not afraid of any bomb, even in dialog: "I guess if a chicken sticks his neck out too much, he cooks his own goose!" There, I said it.
Mysterious Figure #2 (Okay, really this is the first one from yesterday, so Guildfinger was #2, and this is #1, and... Oh, figure it out for yourself!): Not so fast!
Murray: Okay, but it's not the kind of line you want to linger over.
Rod/Titan: So who are you? You're stroking a cat--are you Frank Creed, star of book signings and LGG offshoots?
Allen/Tachyon: No, Frank looks more like Scott Morris. Come to think of it, have you ever seen them together?
Murray: This guy looks like Donald Pleasance on a bad face day.
Mysterious Figure (etc.): Really? What about Telly Savalas? Now, then, which of you is Bond?
Murray: Again with the Bond bit?
Mysterious Figure: All right, then, how about Bagginses, my Precious?
Mysterious Figure: Astroboy? Professor Hyde-Whyte? Mary Pickford? Gumby?
Rod/Titan: Check a mirror on that last one. We're the League of Superheroes. You would've known that if you'd been paying attention.
Mysterious Figure: Hah! Well, I am Ernie Scarecrow Blogfeld, terror of bloggers everywhere. We are disrupting your pathetic blog tour, and you can't stop us!
Rod/Titan: We don't have to. This is the last day of the tour, and I think this is the only blog you "disrupted."
Blogfeld: There are others?
Rod/Titan: Duh! Look at the list below. Can you guys even read?
Blogfeld: Curses! Look, over there! It's Elvis!
Rod/Titan: Get a life!
Blogfeld: It's Frank Morris and Scott Creed fighting over a cat!
Rod/Titan: Research isn't your strong point, is it?
Blogfeld: It's the pizza delivery guy!
Rod/Titan, et al.: What? Where?
[Sound effect: High-speed clucking fading into distance]
Rod/Titan: Drat! He got away!
Murray: Well, someone needs to give the people today's moral in a poetic, witty way, so it figures I'll have to do it. Friends, don't let the Chicken Booksellers win! Get involved in Christian spec-fic today! Or did they already zap you with the Chickenizer? That's no way to live! Get out a good book, like my Guide to Homemade Explosives, available at a bombed-out bookstore near you, and-- Hey! Knock it off, Titan, or I'll--
Well, wasn't that riveting? Remember to support Christian spec-fic and give the chickens one in the giblets. And in the meantime, check out these other fine blogs, probably free of Blogfeld interruptions...
CSFF Blog Tour
D. G. D. Davidson
Todd Michael Greene
Lost Genre Guild
Rebecca LuElla Miller
John W. Otte
1 year ago