Sunday, March 2, 2008

Attack of the Clones!

The Void is book three of Mark Mynheir's Truth Chasers series.

Have I read the book? No. However, I have an M.A. in English, which means I can bluff having read any book ever written, at least in English. Besides, I've read reviews of the book. Have you done that or maybe even read the book? If not, read on. If so, go somewhere else, already! Nobody likes a smart guy!

Robbie Sanchez is a Florida policewoman. Fortunately, Robbie is female, which keeps things from getting too kinky too early. Unfortunately, she has no social life, in part because some of the guys she knows keel over and die. Three words, Robbie: Too much perfume! But one such victim, Brad Worthington, bequeathed her a best friend with an equally macho name: Detective Eric Casey. How many parents name their kid "Detective"? Anyway, Robbie decides to convert him to a love interest and maybe flip him if he doesn't work out.

There are two clues at the scene of the crime:

1. Footprints made by large, identical shoes
2. A nearby building with a sign reading "Friendly neighborhood evil menacing corporation."

Considering that all odd businesses are evil, Robbie and her friend Detective pay a call on the establishment, after noting a smaller sign. By screwing up their eyes, they can make out the cheery message, "P.S. Open All Hours."

Unfortunately this refers to the guard dogs' mouths. There are several curiously identical dogs, but but R and D dismiss this as an illusion: they have, after all, screwed up their eyes already. In fact, the pair are so far gone that they get into an argument about how many dogs there are. The dogs get involved, confused, and bored senseless in short order and drop off like a synchronized diving team.

The investigators then discover that the business is called Lifetex: obviously it's involved in creating Texan life! (Hillary could use some of that.) Robbie immediately senses a connection with the big shoeprints she saw earlier.

But it's worse even than that! Lifetex is in fact involved with engineering jeans for Texans, which entails dabbling in secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know. As a woman, Robbie's okay, but she has Detective put his hands over his ears and his fingers in his eyes. (They get it right on the second take, but it's still real hard to do.)

Then Robbie hears an ominous honking noise drawing nearer and nearer. Suddenly the meaning of the prints comes to her: big shoes that are identical! It must be a clown clone (or vice versa)! And since he's confused "clown" and "clone," a functionally illiterate one as well, without proper editing (see tomorrow's post)!

What happens next? I don't know. I finally realized that as a man, this was something I wasn't supposed to know either. Pardon me while I get my fingers out of my eyes.

Participating Blog links:
The Christian Fiction Review Blog
Queen of Convolution
A Frank Review
Between Sundays
Bibliophile' s Retreat
Cathi's Chatter


David said...

I don't ever think I've read a comment about a book done with the same flippant approach as he writes his short stories. You obviously love writing. I just was wondering if you were talking about the same book I read. Bless you brother.


Steve said...

Well, the same title, anyway. But I do only 100% genuine fakes here, like my interview with Frank Creed. When we get around to a book I've actually read, I'll do a serious review. For now, all I have to offer is originality, and I think I've accomplished that.

cathikin said...

Oh, yeah, Steve, you are an original. This is one of the best fake reviews I have ever read!! I bet even Mark M. Will enjoy it.

Caprice Hokstad said...

The Cliff Notes company called asking if I'd give you a referral. I said only if they were considering a merger with the "Literacy for Dummies" franchise.

Steve said...

Literacy for Dummies is a crock. The real thing is Teach Yourself to Read ("We guarantee that if you read this book, you will be literate!"), as mentioned in my short story "Dragon Claus."

Copwriter said...


I can say with all honesty that I've never received a review like yours. I laughed, I cried, I bonded. Thanks for hosting The Void. Take care, and God bless.

Mark Mynheir

Steve said...

“Sir, you are a cur, a cad, and a …” Mike paused; then he turned to his friends. “I hate to admit it, but I’m drawing a blank. What’s the third word?”
“Jerk?” Chris suggested.
“Scumbag?” Miss Danvers asked.
Bob came up with “miscreant,” but Mike shook his head impatiently.
“No, no. I’m looking for a ‘c’ word: I’m alliterating, here.”
“Codfish?” Chris said.
“Good enough. Sir, you are a cur, a cad, and a codfish.”
The man rose from his chair. “I have seldom been called a cur, occasionally a cad; but no one has ever called me a codfish.”
Mike smiled happily. “We aim for originality.” --The Janus File

Thanks to Mynheir, who is evidently neither cur nor cad, and likely no codfish, either.

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